old diary entry titled broken jars posted on April 5, 2003
The morning goes by on my day off from work. I fixed myself breakfast and as I ate I looked through the morning paper. I wonder where Carol is? What time will she be home today. I was hoping all day today we would be crazy lovers. After I ate breakfast I did the dishes and did a load of wash. I next put away clean clothes and now here I sit talking to myself. I feel like going somewhere but the earth is covered in ice. I should sit in my over stuffed chair in the living room and rest my broken being. I can read in silence and doze till my lover comes home.
When I was young I believed God used broken jars to be gospel preachers. And then as I got older I realized the American religious establishment wants pretty boys to be their ministers. "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us" 2 Cor. 4:7 I am no pretty boy but a man who speaks from his inner being. In all the years of my life I have never met anyone in person who speaks from the center of their being. Why are we all hiding? Why do people in church buildings hide from each other? I do not know anyone around here that I believe would open their being heart soul mind up to me. That realization makes life painful. The realization there is no one on Sunday who will be real with me makes going to church painful. Where is true religion around where I live out my Life? Once again I have to think about going to church tomorrow and I find the idea painful. I can not put on a mask of religious respectability any longer. I want to go to church to weep and howl not sit and hear a Dutch Reformed small town scared of Reality world being version of spiritual existence. Inside I am screaming for real spiritual fellowship Not religious games. Of course maybe no one is playing a religious game and I am just insane. So here I sit tired from work not knowing what to do next? I will close to wander the house waiting it out.
"Now a certain Jew named Apollos, born at Alexandra, an eloquent man and mighty in the Scriptures, came to Ephesus" Acts 18:24 As Christians we should be "mighty in the Scriptures"
"Therefore let us go forth to Him, outside the camp, bearing His reproach. For here we have no continuing city, but we seek the one to come. Therefore by Him let us continually offer the sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name. But do not forget to do good and to share, for with such sacrifices God is well pleased" Heb. 13:13-16 I have gone outside the camp which is to me the American religious establishment and I bear the reproach of Christ.
When I was young I believed God used broken jars to be gospel preachers. And then as I got older I realized the American religious establishment wants pretty boys to be their ministers. "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us" 2 Cor. 4:7 I am no pretty boy but a man who speaks from his inner being. In all the years of my life I have never met anyone in person who speaks from the center of their being. Why are we all hiding? Why do people in church buildings hide from each other? I do not know anyone around here that I believe would open their being heart soul mind up to me. That realization makes life painful. The realization there is no one on Sunday who will be real with me makes going to church painful. Where is true religion around where I live out my Life? Once again I have to think about going to church tomorrow and I find the idea painful. I can not put on a mask of religious respectability any longer. I want to go to church to weep and howl not sit and hear a Dutch Reformed small town scared of Reality world being version of spiritual existence. Inside I am screaming for real spiritual fellowship Not religious games. Of course maybe no one is playing a religious game and I am just insane. So here I sit tired from work not knowing what to do next? I will close to wander the house waiting it out.
"Now a certain Jew named Apollos, born at Alexandra, an eloquent man and mighty in the Scriptures, came to Ephesus" Acts 18:24 As Christians we should be "mighty in the Scriptures"
"Therefore let us go forth to Him, outside the camp, bearing His reproach. For here we have no continuing city, but we seek the one to come. Therefore by Him let us continually offer the sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name. But do not forget to do good and to share, for with such sacrifices God is well pleased" Heb. 13:13-16 I have gone outside the camp which is to me the American religious establishment and I bear the reproach of Christ.