hopefulI got up this morning around 8 o'clock AM. When I got up Carol was getting ready to do an errands and then go to a dentist appointment. I made myself oatmeal for breakfast and after breakfast Carol and I had devotions/prayed and she left. I went for a walk and when I got home I left for the local library used books store The Book Nook, where I volunteer from 10 AM till 1 PM.
The Book Nook was not busy so I sat and read my pocket New Testament on The Gospel of Mark. After I volunteered at the Book Nook I came home ate lunch and then mowed the lawn back and front.
There is not much else to write this afternoon. I took my Xanax early this afternoon because I was feeling weird. I keep wondering if I am normal or mentally ill? I do not feel like my old self since I had that crack-up a month ago. What is strange is all the changes I have undergone would be considered being born again or I have experienced the New Birth. Which means maybe I was never actually saved up till a month ago. Maybe what I have experienced is being saved. Or maybe I have undergone something that is a manifestation of mental illness or the by products of a crack-up. Did I experience something spiritual a month ago or was it a super bad experience of depression and anxiety? Am I right now OK or is it going to get worse what ever this is that I am undergoing? It torments me that we can not find anyone to tell me or explain to me what it is I am experiencing right now/is it spiritual or fruits of severe depression and anxiety? Carol and I have called everyone we can to find help but found nothing thus far. This afternoon I desperation called my Behavioral Health Specialist to ask her these questions before I go nuts.
I will close to wait for a phone call.
Time Lapse
It is 8:39 PM Friday night here in West Michigan. My Behavioral Health Specialist did not return my phone call. But my brother-in-law who works for the County Mental Health Services contacted Carol (texted her) and said he could drop by after work with a list of folks we could contact seeking therapy/counseling. So Cal stopped by and we talked (he had read my online diary entry that I had posted in my Facebook account crying out for help) about what I have been going through. Cal basically assured me I am not going crazy. What I have been experiencing since the Crisis I had a month ago is normal. I am adjusting to having my world turned up side down. Cal said I should see what I am going through as a Journey of discovery/learning new things about myself. I did tell Cal the changes I have made I have been thinking about doing for a long time I just never acted of them. I knew I was giving in to negative things/I knew I was soaking up all the negative stuff on the internet News/I knew I was getting tired of the music I had been listening to/I knew I was buying stuff that I did not need or have room for (books). I knew I needed to spend more time in prayer and reading/studying the Bible instead of wasting time on the internet/Youtube etc. . . I have realized I must actively resist negative thoughts/the sin of unbelief. I must actively exercise Faith and actively direct my Mind to God. I need to pray for active Faith active spiritual affections. I need to pray to not become so self focused and more outside focused towards God, saints, and people.
All these changes are positive changes and not something that is bad/not something that is hiding from me my depression and anxiety. Now I still need therapy/counseling so as address my long time depression and anxiety issues/but it seems I am presently on the right track and need to keep going forward.
Next month I have my sixth month physical check-up with my doctor and I will ask him some questions also concerning all that I have recently gone through.
