Crooked Finger (crookedfingers) wrote,
Crooked Finger
crookedfingers

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The Book Of Hours

It 6:29 PM Monday evening here in West Michigan. I just got up from a nap down in the lower level. I find the best time for me in this state of anxiety and depression is being asleep. It is like you want to just sleep or shut everything out. I am finding it a struggle to keep awake insane thoughts and memories. Lately things come to my mind that are insane or memories long forgotten. Weird. It is like I am under what some Christians would describe as demonic attacks. But would the Lord allow such demonic attacks to happen to me in my frail mental state? What is God's purpose in all this is what I am seeking to discover. What is God seeking to teach me in this horrible battle with anxiety and depression? Before I had this break down in was just living a quiet Christian life/reading my Bible/praying/seeking to live a simple godly life. What went wrong?

Anyway I got up this morning feeling bad so I immediately took my pills Paroxetine and Xanax. I decided not to give into my black state but to go about normal things so I took a hot shower and then took a morning walk. I left to volunteer at our local library books store The Book Nook around 9:35 AM and had a normal shrift. The store was not busy so I read from my pocket New Testament The Gospel of Mark. I bought a couple of Art Books at the Book Nook-

'Cezanne Portraits' John Elderfield National Portrait Gallery, London

'Painted Prayers: The Book Of Hours In Medieval And Renaissance Art' Roger S. Wieck

When I got home I found Carol sitting in the dining room. She had prepared a meal to take a family in her church that just had a baby. I ate lunch and took some Xanax around 3 o'clock PM. I then decided to go down in the lower level turn on classical music real low and doze instead of struggling with insane thoughts.

Now it is 6:45 PM in the evening. Carol is in her room/book room messing around. I should read something. The book I attempted to read besides The Gospel of Mark was from a book titled, 'Hidden & Revealed: The Doctrine of God in the Reformed & Eastern Orthodox Traditions' By Dmytro Bintsarovskyi. Lately it is hard to find the right books to read in this present state of mental illness. I just remembered in I did get in the mail today a new book, "Dominus IIuminatio Mea" Commentary On The Davidic Psalms' Volume II Psalms 26-50 By Denis The Carthusian Translation & Introduction by Andrew M. Greenwell.

So not much else to report. I did cancel my dentist appointment due to being ill. I suppose I will close to read my Reformation Commentary on the Gospel of John 13-21 this evening. Carol and I will have our evening prayer time. So many people need our prayers.

neighborhood walk
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