It is 10:17 AM Sunday morning here in West Michigan. It has been raining off and on for days. It is also been very humid. Carol and I have been seeking to take walks a couple times a day so as to deal with my stress/anxiousness/fears. We have determined that this week we are going to seek professional help for depression and anxiety. I have to come to the realization the last six weeks that I can't cope any longer. I need help or some plan of action to deal with my fears/anxiety/depression.

I did not write here yesterday due to being too sick with fear/depression/anxiety. Right now I am writing these words feeling very sick with stress/anxiety. I suppose what triggered this episode is our family visiting us the next couple of weeks. I find the task of communication/being present among all these people 14 altogether overwhelming. I can deal with Carol and little Josie off and on throughout the week, but that is about it. I can go to the Book Nook because I know what to expect and very little is demanded of me there.

I was able this morning to find some strength/will power to go down the street to say Hi to our son Josiah and his little girl Marika. They got in from Washington State last night around 9:30 PM. Josiah had to drive in rain storms from Chicago to Holland/scary weather driving but he and Marika made it/they are staying at Caleb and Emily's.

Andy, Beth, Lou, Marn, Jack and little Nora left Denver this morning/driving here to Holland MI. They are expected to be here tomorrow evening and will be staying with us.

I will close to pray. Carol and I have been praying constantly for the Lord to grant me grace/strength to keep going.
  • Current Mood: sick sick

I know how this feels Jonny, and I hope you and your doctor can find a plan that works for you, for me I deal with the same thing anything new or even thinking about something that’s days or weeks away gives me dread, also I have health anxiety so any little twitch or feeling in my body and I think it’s catastrophic and I’m going to die, been to the ER probably 15 times had all the tests done on my heart/blood/brain ct scan! They just say it’s anxiety which is hard for my brain to accept or believe.
I’m on Xanax daily and supposed to be on a anti-depression medication but I fear all the side effects that could happen, hoping I can muster up a little courage and take them maybe they will help. I will pray for you my friend! This anxiety/panic/depression is no joke, we need to let go and let Jesus take over. That is much harder to say than do.

Xanax daily
What dosage of Xanax do you take a day. I take .25 Mg at least twice a day. Do you think I should a stronger .5 Mg? What is your dose? Do you take anything for sleeping. I seem to be sleeping OK and eating OK. Do you see anyone like a Therapist? Talk to someone about your anxiety? Do you think your anxiety is cause by something from the Past? Childhood trauma? Can you think of any cause for your panic attacks/dread/depression? How do you cope when you feel horrible besides taking Xanax? I find myself wanting to run out the door. My wife and I have been walking a couple times a day and praying constantly for the Lord to grant grace/strength.

I do plan to seek medical help this week. I am also not sure about taking ant-depression meds. I think I need to find a plan to cope from this depression/anxiety because it is becoming absolutely scary. I get these ideas in my head like I am forsaken of God, which I know is not true. I have been a Christian for 50 years and have never felt forsaken-I have felt super depressed but never felt forsaken of God. I want to be a Christian. I want to live for the Lord. It is all beyond me. I suppose there is no quick cure. We are praying praying praying.

Much easier to say ‘let go and let Jesus take over’ I meant to say

Jesus take over
How do you let the Lord Jesus take over? What I mean is when I feel trapped how do you let go when it seems there is no way out. I find myself sitting alone crying out to the Lord/please Lord do not let me go/take control of my Life Mind Heart total Life force/fill me afresh with God the Holy Spirit/save me if I an lost/take away my unbelief if I am unbelieving/give me True Faith True Repentance Have mercy on me a poor sinner/totally lost and in Need of the powerful saving work of the Lord Jesus Christ/seal with the Holy Spirit/set me free from the darkness and fill me with holy divine Light of your Glorious Saving Presence/I want to SEE Jesus Christ in Saving Power displayed in my salvation. I want to taste the forgiving love of God/be filled with the peace of God/feel deep inside the mighty operations of grace/work of God the Holy Spirit/lift me up out of pit and place me on the Rock Jesus Christ. Praying groaning crying pleading with the Lord to have pity on me. Amen

I take .5 twice a day usually a hour after I get up I have to take one because as soon as I wake up I’m already feeling anxious. That usually works to keep it manageable until I need another one 6-8 hours later. They really help to stop panic attacks, as for anxiety they help mellow it out make it where it’s at least manageable I’m still anxious but my mind isn’t as overwhelmed or racing with every kind of negative thought. Sleeping is off and on I can get to sleep okay I just sometimes don’t go to sleep until 1-2 am. I will say that routines are a must it, it seemed like when I was on a set routine I was a lot better going to bed at a normal time and waking up early, also walking was one of the things that helped me tremendously like you I feel like I have to get up and at least move around I will pace the house sometimes because I feel like I’m suffocating or can’t breathe if I am just sitting there almost like a ‘trapped feeling’ if that makes sense. Yes the Lexapro they prescribed me I’m so anxious about taking it it almost makes me have a panic attack I’m so freaked out about side effects and they say it takes up to 4 weeks for the antidepressants to start working. As far as coping I just have to keep my mind doing something or I will get lost in thought and it leads to panic attacks. As far as I know I’ve never had anything happen, I lost my mom to cancer but I was 16 or 17 other than that nothing really bad has happened so I don’t think it’s from my past. I do have fears of being by myself I get really worked up before my wife goes to work thinking about being by myself. I see a psychiatrist but they only really ask what your feeling and prescribe medication. Since the pandemic it’s been hard to find a counselor for anxiety and depression but I think it would definitely help. Definitely keep walking and being outside I know sometimes or all the times for ppl like us it’s hard to leave but outside walking is good, also I always have my headphones in at the house listening to music or podcasts just hearing someone talk helps sometimes. I feel that way too about being forsaken and I’ve been in church since I was a child and my dad is a pastor so that’s just our brains messing with us, God would never forsake us we know how loving and sovereign He is, it’s just getting your mind to not think the worse and instantly negative which is hard for me to be positive. Prayer and bible study, keeping your mind occupied and your books along with your medicine and seeing a doctor will at least ease your mind. I would definitely try taking .5 on your Xanax that’s still a low dose and that’s what I’ve been on and it at least calms me down. I will pray for you and you can send me a msg or if you need to talk I’ll give you my number, I know how debilitating this is so I’m here for you and your wife and family are there for you but most of all our Savior Jesus Christ is here with and for you!