old diary entry May 11, 2001

Friday, May 11, 2001

This morning I was talking to Carol about some stuff I wrote a couple of years ago that I want to add to my Crookedfingers LiveJourna1-so I went down in the basement and dug through my journals for 1998,1999 and 2000-I found what I was looking for in e-mail folders (I keep copied all my e-mail also I copy into folders on my livejournal-nothing is be lost-all is history of my existence) in e-mail folders for November 1998 and December 1998-these e-mails set forth my childhood up to the year 1998-the e-mails shed light on who I am for all those who are wondering who I am-I will copy the e-mails-these e-mails were all sent to folks on a Reformed Theology Discussion list-I believe in spilling my guts-a product of the 60 s counterculture---here it goes---

Saturday, November 21,1998

History of Music

Music I remember hearing as a boy

Fats Domino the song Blueberry Hill

Johnny Ray the songs Cry and Little While Cloud That Cried (I was named after this 50 s singer)

Brenda Lee the song I m Sorry

Nat King Cole the songs I ve Grown Accustomed To Her Face and Mona Lisa

Frank Sinatra

Count Bassie and his Orchestra

Johnny Cash the songs Don t Take Your Guns to Town and The Long Black Veil

Boots Randolph a sax player the tune Yakety Sax

Ray Charles

The Everly Brothers the songs All I have to do is dream Wake up little Suzie Bird Dog Bye Bye Love and Till I Kissed You

Eddie Arnold the song Make the World Go Away

Pat Boone the song Love Letters in the Sand

Vikki Carr the song It Must Be Him

Chubby Checker the song The Twist

Sonny and Cher the songs I Got You Babe The Beat Goes On

The Mama and Papa s the song California Dreaming

Tony Bennet the song I Left My Heart in San Franciso

Roy Orbison the song Pretty Woman

The Righteous Brothers

I remember when I was a boy my mother liked to sing and dance.

I do not remember much about my mother. Her name was Valeria. I do not remember if she had a middle name? I do not know where she was born?

My mother was cremated after she was killed in a car wreck. I do not remember a funeral service for my mother. I do remember crying all the time after her death. No one sought to comfort me in my grief. After my mother died I felt totally alone in the world.


My brother Mike and I went to live with my Aunt after my mother's death. The year my mother died my Aunt's husband died and her father (my Grandfather). My mother had one sister and one brother. My Aunt was an alcoholic when she was alive (she died of throat cancer a number of years ago). My Uncle and Aunt had been alcoholics for many years. They were hard people. My Uncle died from a heart attack while my Aunt was visiting someone. She came home and found my Uncle dead on their kitchen floor. He had been dead for a couple of days. He died alone on a dirty kitchen floor.

My Aunt had three sons living with her when my brother and I came to live with her after my mother's death. I can not remember the ages of my cousins? One of my cousin's named Phil was older than me and was a bully. I remember Phil beating me all the time as I mourned the loss of my mother. My cousin Phil also stole all my nice clothes. Living with my Aunt and her boys was a terrible time for me. After I awhile I got fed up and ran away. I went and lived with a cousin from my Aunt's second marriage.

I was in the 10th grade at Richmond High School in Richmond Calif.. I do not know why at this time I was a volunteer for the Richmond Volunteer Bureau? The woman at the head of the Volunteer Bureau heard about my troubles when my social worker came looking for me. This lady called a friend of her s named Maria and told her about me. Maria was well-off German Jew with one son named Kim. This lady had an extra bedroom and a big heart. Maria was divorced and was quite free-spirited. To make a long story short I went and lived with this woman and her son (she was divorced). Maria lived on a farm up in the Richmond Hills and she all kinds of animals living on her land.

I was in the 11th grade when I went to live with Kim and Maria

Here is a list of the music I remember listening to as a young teen-ager

Joan Baez (I had a poster of Joan Baez on my bedroom wall. I loved her long hair reaching past her waist. Long hair on a woman is a beautiful sight! Wild long hair reaching past their waists. When I was a teen-ager girls did not cut their hair. Hippie girl s let their hair grow)

The Beatles (my mother s brother Uncle Marty lived in Berkeley. He had kids around my age. I remember the boys giving me for Christmas the Beatles album called The White Album. The cover of the album was white that is why it was titled The White Album)

Rolling Stones

Bob Dylan

Jimi Hendrix

Jackson Browne

David Bowie


Ten Years After (I once saw this British rock-blues group in concert)

The Who

Crosby, Stills and Nash

Steve Miller Band (saw this band in concert)

Cat Stevens

James Taylor


Blind Faith

Neil Young

Joni Mitchell

Judy Collins

The Youngbloods

Jefferson Airplanes

The Allman Brothers Band


The list of singers and bands I listened to when I was in High School is endless. Music was a big thing for me as a teen-ager. I should know having three teen-agers of my own. When I became a Christian after finishing High School I stopped listening to music. I lost interest in music till about eleven years ago when my interest in music was reawakened. Music has played a part in my spiritual development as well as books. But books have always been first in my life. I rather buy a book then a record. I never owned records till I got married twenty years ago. I now have a large music collection. I have never been into watching television or going to the movies. . . end of quote

I won t copy anymore from that old 1998 e-mail to friends on a Reformed Theology Discussion- the next e-mail I sent dealing with my life dealt with literature-the history of what I had read as a young adult.

Thursday, November 26,1998

The History of Books

The collapse of ontological continuity

I do not remember having Thanksgiving dinner with my mother, sisters or brothers. I think the reason why is that my mother worked. My mother worked as a barmaid and holidays are the busiest times for bars. People who drink tend to drink more during the holidays. So we did not celebrate Thanksgiving. I can not remember celebrating any holidays. We might have celebrated holidays as a teenager, I just do not recall. I just can not remember those special times when loved ones gather together to be thankful for all God s blessings.

I should mention the names of my sisters and brothers. The problem is that I can not remember names or dates. I am the oldest of five siblings. The child born after me is my brother Mike. Mike (his full name is Michael Williamson-we all had different fathers) and I are still in contact. Mike is married with two daughters living in Washington D.C. as photographer. He has won two Pulitzers for photography. After Mike is my sister Robin, we have not been in contact (when my mother was killed my first stepfather flew in from Maryland and took my sister Robin to live with him). When we first moved to Holland seven years ago I got in contact with Robin. We talked over the phone and exchanged a few letters. But three years ago she disappeared and I have not been able to locate her. She had lived a very hard life. Next is my brother Robert, who I have not seen since he was a small child. When my mother received a divorce from my first step-father, Robert went to live with him. Finally there is my baby sister Danielle. Danielle is the daughter of my second step-father. When my mother was killed, he came and took Danielle to live with him. I have not seen or heard from her since my mother s death.

My brother Mike and I went to live with my Aunt Billie which I have already covered. Mike soon after I ran away from my Aunt's was placed in a foster family-fine Christian people.

While I was in High School I took drugs and read a great deal. I did not take hard drugs when I was a young man. I smoked marijuana and dropped LSD (d-lysergic acid diethylamide). In High School (mainly when I was in the 11th and 12th grade) I was searching for the meaning of life. I was seeking for self-knowledge by the use of psychedelic drugs. I did not take drugs to escape life or for entertainment. I took drugs to help me find the answers to the meaning of life. When I became a Christian I stopped taking LSD, but did not stop smoking grass till I had been a Christian for five years. I came to see in time that smoking grass prevented me from focusing solely on God, plus smoking week is illegal. Christians should not do anything illegal. We are to respect the laws of our government as long as they do not cause us to go contrary to the teachings of the Bible.

When I was in High School the young people I associated with all smoked weed and read books (I was the only one in my group that dropped LSD). We were the intellectual elite on campus. My friends after High School went to the best colleges and universities in the country. My foster brother Kim went on to get his Ph.D. and is now a research scientist.

In my younger years I recall reading these books-authors/ Emile Zola Nana , Theodore Dreiser Sister Carrie The Titan and the American Tragedy , Henry James The Portrait of a Lady The Wings of the Dove and The Golden Bowl , Charles Baudelaire The Flowers of Evil , Marcel Proust Remembrance of Things Past (Swann s Way) , James Joyce The Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man Ulysses and Finnegans Wake , T.S. Eliot The Waste Land ,

Henry Miller Tropic of Cancer , Herman Hesse Siddharta Der Steppenwolf and the Glass Bead Game , Aldous Huxley, Carl Jung, Sarte, Albert Camus, Soren Kierkegard, D.H. Lawrence, Jack Kerouac, and Allen Ginsberg Howl

I have read the poetry of Shelly, Keats and Lord Byron.

The books by Fyodor Dostoyersky The Idiot and The Brothers Karamazov

I have to close to go to church. . . . written Nov.26,1998

Well this is enough on the early years of my life. I write some more some other time.

I need to rest my mind.

  • Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
  • Current Music: Howls of Ebb 'Cursus Impasse'
It has been a very long time since I came across someone like you really has a hatred for the Lord God. Scary. You must be a real hardcore God hater. I assume Christmas means absolutely nothing to you since it the time people celebrate the love of God displayed in the birth of the Messiah/the Glad Tidings of great joy. Have a good week.

While shepherds on the eastern plain
Were keeping faithful watch by night,
Loud bursts the soul-inspiring strain,
As Bethl’hem’s star beamed on their sight.


Glory to God! Glory to God!
Glory to God for redemption’s plan;
Glory to God! Glory to God!
Glory to God and goodwill to man!

With wingèd speed, the angel choir,
Descending on their shining way,
Struck with new theme the tuneful lyre,
And night was turned to brightening day.


"Glad tidings of great joy we bring,
Good news to you and all mankind;
In Bethlehem, lo! Christ your King,
Laid in a manger you shall find."


Whilst listening to the rapturous song,
New voices mingled in the strain,
And suddenly the mighty throng,
Caught up the thrilling, glad refrain.


Edited at 2017-12-25 12:37 am (UTC)