Crooked Finger (crookedfingers) wrote,
Crooked Finger

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Seventeen Days

It is in the death flow 2:20 PM Tuesday afternoon. I did not leave the house this morning. I made a decision to stay home today and wait it out. I can always visit thrift stores tomorrow if I am still alive.

I read my books till I got sleepy. When I got too sleepy to read I put away my books and sat in silence at our dining room table. After sitting awhile I made a decision to walk over to our living room easy chair and doze for awhile. After dozing for awhile I woke up and had a bowl of ice cream. My stomach is bothering me after eating earlier a hamburger. Now I am wandering the house listening to Earth on my portable CD player waiting for the UPS man to deliver some more books for our library.

Today I looked at my wife's calendar for September to find out when she flies to Phoenix Arizona to be with our daughter Beth when she has their second child. Carol flies out on the 1st of September and flies back here on the 17th of September. Carol will be gone a half month in September. I will be absolutely alone for 17 days. When I realized that reality it knocked the breath out of me. I had to sit for awhile and process that reality. What will I do for 17 days without the love of my life? I do not know? I will have to wait it out with my teeth clinched. I could spend those 17 days reading the Bible from Genesis to Revelations? I could for 17 days lay in bed and only get up to go to the bathroom. I could for 17 days read my books and write pages and pages in my September 2015 diary as a way to keep insanity from overtaking my mind. Before I married Carol I lived for years being alone. I do not believe anyone really loves me in this world except my wife. What I mean is that I believe Carol to be the only person who loves the real me/who accepts me in all my brokenness. I believe Carol is the only person who is not bored with me, but who really cares what I think and feel. I believe everybody around me does not know I exist. I live among strangers. I am a stranger. I am nothing. So what will I do for 17 days without the light of my life?

Well I will close to wait it out. All one can do is scream out for mercy.

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