Crooked Finger (crookedfingers) wrote,
Crooked Finger

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there is no where to go

It is in the flow of my life in West Michigan 10:11 AM Thursday morning. Outside it is sunny and the birds are chirping. The snow is slowly melting and soon maybe we see the color green instead of the color white.

I got up this morning around 6:30 AM. I got out of bed because I was having this weird dream wherein I could not find my school supplies. In this dream I must have been in High School and I could not locate my locker containing my notebooks and school books. I had to get to my class, but I could not find my locker. I have had dreams in the Past where I was in High School and felt weird because I was too old to be in High School. The feeling of failure is what I usually feel in these dreams. I graduated from High School in 1970 in Richmond California. Because back in those days I was a nonconformist I did not go through the graduation ceremony and receive a copy of my High School diploma. My girlfriend and I did not go to the High School Prom either. When I was in High School I rejected everything. I refused to have my picture taken for the High School year book. I was an outsider looking out into society with rage. Sometimes I wonder lately is my attraction to heavy metal music is because I am angry/have rage inside of me. Some say depression is a state of rage. I am mad.

(I have noticed lately my mind out of nowhere having vivid memories of my Past. All of sudden a memory from my Past/before I met Carol will pop inside the middle of my brain. I think the sunny weather sometimes reminds me of my years in California. Weird.)

So I woke up from this intense dream and got a cup of coffee. Then I messed with our main computer. After messing with our main computer I wrote in my paper diary and made myself oatmeal for breakfast.

Carol got home from work around 8:30 AM and has gone to bed for the day. She is now off three nights from work.

Last night I messed with our main computer and watched a TV show around 10 o'clock PM. I went to bed around 11:10 PM and now it is another day to slam myself into the wall of reality. (A memory from my Past just popped into my head. Years ago (going now on 37 years ago) I remember being so depressed I wanted to drive my car into a wall. That was back when I was living in Richmond California and living with a divorce woman and her two small boys. Sometimes when I have memories of the Past come to my mind out of nowhere I think the Lord is telling me these people need my prayers.)

I have not heard from Maplewood Auto about my old Dodge van. Carol has a car so we are not without transportation. I could buy me a new car or van, but why spent the money since I rather stay home.

Well I suppose I will close to wander. I am out of it. Existence speeding by.

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