The other day I was wandering a thrift store and I heard myself silent say "I miss you Mom." I suppose deep down I miss my mother. When Christmas rounds around I remember the night the police came to our apartment door and told me our mother had died in a car wreck. I was the oldest so I had to tell my brother Mike and my two sisters Robin and Danielle that their mother had died and would never come home again.
Our mother was buried with no funeral ceremony.
When my youngest sister Danielle visited a couple of years ago she gave me Mom's death certificate. She also gave me a bunch of old photos of Mom when she was married to one of my step-fathers (Danielle's Dad). When I look at these old photos I wonder what my mother was like back then in the early 1960's. My mother is a stranger to me.
When I look at these old family photos I see me in some of these photos. What was I thinking or feeling when I was a boy? I can somewhat remember some things between the ages of nine and now. I told Carol this afternoon so much of my life has been spent in darkness. I was not self-conscious when I was a boy. Did a Self exist when I was a boy? How much of our lives are spent walking in darkness or a slave to our lusts.
How much of our lives are spent in being foolish. It is painful to recall all the bad decisions I have made over the years. How much of our lives are spent accomplishing nothing.
I often wonder when we/the Body of Christ are in the New Creation will I then know the purpose/meaning of my life from my physical birth/spiritual birth till my physical death/resurrection from the dead.
I was wandering around in the basement last week and I said out loud to the Lord Jesus, "Forgive me for failing You." I have failed spiritually. I have not lived fully for the Lord Jesus. I am gone through most of my life being controlled by vanity. I look to the Lord Jesus/the Cross to save me. There is nothing in me worth saving.