Crooked Finger (crookedfingers) wrote,
Crooked Finger

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Beaumont Texas

It is 8:05 AM Friday in the flow of existence. It is a cold dark rainy morning. Soon the rain will turn to ice and snow.

Carol just left to take her car to a car repair shop. I was eating oatmeal when she left. Now I am writing some words in my three blogs. Existence is flowing by. A slow process of decay.

I got up this morning around 6:13 AM. I drank coffee I made yesterday. I messed with our main computer and then I wrote in my paper diary. I got out to read this morning a book I read last night titled, "Hidden But Now Revealed: A Biblical Theology of Mystery" by G. K. Beale & Benjamin L. Gladd.

I have no plans for the day ahead of me. I am not sure what Carol has planned to do today. She works a couple hours this evening. It is the last day of October 2014. Tomorrow will be November 1, 2014. No way of escape.

I was thinking this morning that one reason I never became a minister is that I could never be myself. I could never play the game of a professional minister in some conservative Presbyterian church. I am too weird. I never learned the social skills required to be a professional. I am an old freak. When I was young I thought the people of God will accept me because I loved the Lord Jesus and His Word, but I was seriously wrong. The American church world is all concerned with outward appearance not the inner man. I never looked professional but real. I could never stop being myself when I was in the American church world. When I was younger I could suppress my real self and try to play the religious games, but there came a point where I had enough. I did not want to play the game of being a Calvinist. I wanted to be just a plain old simple Christian and the church did not want anything of that. So I left the American church world and now wait out my days clinging to the Cross of Christ. I have to be myself as a man of God even if the American church world refuses to acknowledge my existence.

For years I had the vigor of youth to keep me going in the American church world. But there came a time when I acknowledged I was weak and broken. I came to accept the reality I can not be a member of the American religious world. I can not take the extreme pain it takes to go church on Sundays in my old age. The pain of going to church would crush me. So I wait out my days watching time flow by.

I always believed one does not force oneself into the spiritual office of Teaching Elder. It is the Lord who calls you to the office of Teaching Elder. I think the Lord knows I am a broken vessel and therefore has spared me from the crushing weight of being a professional minister in a professional world. I just want to love the Lord and be a light in a dark dead American world.

So goes by existence. No use crying over spilled milk. God's will be done on earth as in heaven.

Well I will close to drift and see what unfolds.

"[12] Wherefore Jesus also, that he might sanctify the people with his own blood, suffered without the gate.
[13] Let us go forth therefore unto him without the camp, bearing his reproach.
[14] For here have we no continuing city, but we seek one to come." Hebrews 13:12-14

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