Carol just left to take her car to a car repair shop. I was eating oatmeal when she left. Now I am writing some words in my three blogs. Existence is flowing by. A slow process of decay.
I got up this morning around 6:13 AM. I drank coffee I made yesterday. I messed with our main computer and then I wrote in my paper diary. I got out to read this morning a book I read last night titled, "Hidden But Now Revealed: A Biblical Theology of Mystery" by G. K. Beale & Benjamin L. Gladd.
I have no plans for the day ahead of me. I am not sure what Carol has planned to do today. She works a couple hours this evening. It is the last day of October 2014. Tomorrow will be November 1, 2014. No way of escape.
I was thinking this morning that one reason I never became a minister is that I could never be myself. I could never play the game of a professional minister in some conservative Presbyterian church. I am too weird. I never learned the social skills required to be a professional. I am an old freak. When I was young I thought the people of God will accept me because I loved the Lord Jesus and His Word, but I was seriously wrong. The American church world is all concerned with outward appearance not the inner man. I never looked professional but real. I could never stop being myself when I was in the American church world. When I was younger I could suppress my real self and try to play the religious games, but there came a point where I had enough. I did not want to play the game of being a Calvinist. I wanted to be just a plain old simple Christian and the church did not want anything of that. So I left the American church world and now wait out my days clinging to the Cross of Christ. I have to be myself as a man of God even if the American church world refuses to acknowledge my existence.
For years I had the vigor of youth to keep me going in the American church world. But there came a time when I acknowledged I was weak and broken. I came to accept the reality I can not be a member of the American religious world. I can not take the extreme pain it takes to go church on Sundays in my old age. The pain of going to church would crush me. So I wait out my days watching time flow by.
I always believed one does not force oneself into the spiritual office of Teaching Elder. It is the Lord who calls you to the office of Teaching Elder. I think the Lord knows I am a broken vessel and therefore has spared me from the crushing weight of being a professional minister in a professional world. I just want to love the Lord and be a light in a dark dead American world.
So goes by existence. No use crying over spilled milk. God's will be done on earth as in heaven.
Well I will close to drift and see what unfolds.
" Wherefore Jesus also, that he might sanctify the people with his own blood, suffered without the gate.
 Let us go forth therefore unto him without the camp, bearing his reproach.
 For here have we no continuing city, but we seek one to come." Hebrews 13:12-14