Crooked Finger (crookedfingers) wrote,
Crooked Finger

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staring into emptiness

It is 6:51 PM Sunday night. I just watched some News on TV. I wanted to know what the weather is suppose to be like tomorrow. It is suppose to storm tomorrow afternoon. I hope to mow at least our front lawn before Noon time. Our front lawn is looking overgrown. I can always mow our back yard another day. We must keep up appearances of being civilized. I do not remember as a boy anyone ever mowing a lawn. Did we have lawns in the many places I lived growing up? I do not remember mowing grass till I married my wife 35 years ago.

I have not heard from my wife this evening. I thought she would call me before now. She might call me before I go to bed this evening.

I have been mainly wandering the house and reading "Flaubert: A Biography" by Frederick Brown this evening. I did a couple loads of laundry this evening. When I know I will alone for a long space of time I throw out all the leftovers in the refrigerator and do all the laundry. I also wash all dirty dishes and put everything away. I like a clear space when I am going to be alone for many days. I like staring into emptiness.

I thought of taking our dog for a walk but I could take the pain of going out into the dead American world this evening. Maybe early tomorrow morning I will take Rudy for a walk someplace.

Well I do not know what else to report since there is nothing happening mind blowing right now. I live a very tame existence. I have noticed lately I am very fragile. For example this morning as Carol and I were driving to Grand Rapids we hit a patch of fog on the freeway. I immediately felt totally freaked when we enter into the fog. I felt very sick and wanted to stop the car and park somewhere till the sun came up. I was wondering this morning if I am coming to the place where I will be scared to drive at night. I am always experiencing dread-anxiety. I think all these fears has been brought on by being an old man. When I was young I was very carefree if not reckless at times. Now I am freaked just driving a few blocks from our home. Where is my faith in a sovereign God?

I suppose I will close to brush my teeth and wait for blackness.


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