Crooked Finger (crookedfingers) wrote,
Crooked Finger

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the idea of eternal consciousness within the dead corpse

It is 7:44 AM Saturday in the flow of world history. There is no history in the New Creation. I have a personal history. I am waking up to the last day of this week. Tomorrow is the first day of a new week. When I was working I always considered Sunday not a day of rest, but the first day of another work week. For me when I was working I considered Saturday from 8 AM to Noon my day off from work. I usually feel exhausted in the afternoons and during the evening hours I am waiting to go to bed. I do not enjoy going to bed at night. I hate the habit of sleeping. I hate the habit of being awake also. I can not win.

This morning I once again volunteer at the Herrick Public Library used books store from 10 AM till 1 PM. I might mow our lawn this afternoon. I have surrendered to the fact we will never have a perfect lawn or a perfect life. It is oppressive constantly living with the fact we will never have perfection in this earthly existence. I constantly dream of having perfect floors in our house. I dream of a perfect door opening into our living space. I read books to keep my mind from realizing just how ugly everything is in this dead world.

Last I listened to music and watched television. I went to bed at Midnight last night. I had weird dreams all night. Now it is another day to suffer being awake.

I want to write soon about fatherhood. The first thing I tell people about me is that I never had a father. I never knew my father. I never had a father and son relationship. I never really had a mother and son relationship. I found it strange being a father when our three kids were growing up. I tried super hard to be a good Christian father. I am sure I failed being a father. Now I am a Grandfather. It is all beyond me to comprehend being a father and now a Grandpa. I pray our children will forgive me for being a terrible Dad. Was I a terrible Dad? No I think in my own way I was a good Dad. Of course I could have been a better Dad. It is painful living with ones imperfections. I am saved by the blood of Jesus is my only comfort in life and in death.

Well I suppose I will close to wake up to this day. There is no way of escape.

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