Crooked Finger (crookedfingers) wrote,
Crooked Finger

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It is 2:18 PM Sunday afternoon. I have a headache this afternoon. I am tired, but do not want to take a nap. I sleep better if I do not take a nap in the afternoon. It is painful trying to stay awake during the afternoon. Right now I am out of it mentally. My mind is somewhere else these days. I find myself reliving my Past lately. I am always thinking about the Past. What went wrong? What went right? Life is mysterious.

This morning I wrote about me not joining Covenant Presbyterian Church in America. I have been a Christian 44 years old. I went to church for over 37 years. Over the years as a Christian I have attended many churches. I am not against going to church. I wish I had a church to go to on Sundays. In the past I looked for a church to go to on Sundays and found none that I could join with a good conscience. When I have shared with some Christians my reasons for not going to church they have accused me of being arrogant. I am always taken back with that response, because my supreme desire is to obey the Lord and to worship Him. I do not like being in the position I am in. I want to be a member of a local church, but there just isn't any church for me to be a member of right now. What am I to do?

Also how can I have spiritual fellowship with Christians who have no idea of why they go to a certain church? Most people who go to church believe it is the thing one does if they are a Christian, meaning go to church. These folks believe being a Christian is going to a church building at least once a week. A person can go to church and have no relationship with the Lord Jesus is my belief. I am sure there are countless millions of Christians who go to church for all the right spiritual reasons. I found personally when I was going to church I did not meet many people who could talk about their faith on a deep personal level. Maybe I just was not in the right church to meet these Christians who had a personal relationship with the Risen Savior the Lord Jesus Christ.

I have written that I feel extremely uncomfortable around people I do not know. When I am around people I am sure my weirdness becomes visible and then I am forced to defend myself or explain myself, which I find boring and very exhausting. I do not want to explain myself or defend myself to anyone or church. I just want to be left alone to seek the face of the Lord Jesus Christ in the Communion of the Saints. Why can't we love one another since we meaning Christians are all members of the Body of Christ.

I should add one of the biggest obstacles for me joining a church is that I believe salvation is my grace alone. Most churches in America believe salvation is by works and not by grace alone. I also believe a local church should follow the patten of Christian fellowship as set forth in the New Testament. I personally do not know of any local church that teaches and preaches the Gospel revealed in the New Testament.

Well as I write I can feel myself falling asleep, so I will close to feel wasted.

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