August 29th, 2018

Van Gogh painted himself some forty-one times

It is 11:46 AM Wednesday late morning here in west Michigan. Outside today it is wet and gray. I have been struggling to stay awake today. I spent most of the morning sitting in our living room napping. I am an old man. Old men sleep a lot.

I am thinking of going down the street and seeing how Caleb and Emily are doing settling into their new home. I do not know what I could do to help. I could just go down there and see if I could be of any help. All I am doing here at home is falling asleep. Carol plans to go down there and help after she has slept a couple of hours.

I got up this morning around 6:47 AM. I spent the morning doing the same old shit. I messed with our main computer this morning and then wrote in my paper diary. I was too wasted this morning to read so I sat feeling blown out. Now it is 11:55 AM.

Last night I made a video for my Youtube channel and watched television till 12:30 AM. Now it is another day in the death flow.

Well I suppose I will close to brush my teeth and maybe drive over to Caleb and Emily's to see how things are going.

I am trying to recall the last book I attempted to read today or last night. I do not remember. My memory is fading in my old age. Existence keeps speeding by!
  • Current Music
    Rosk 'Miasma'

blood sermon

It is 10:34 PM Wednesday night in the death flow. I have been looking back in my online diary Crookedfingers. I go back in my online diary to delete videos that have disappeared. I wish I had everything I ever wrote online going back to 1968 Richmond California. I wish everything I ever wrote I had in my possession right now. So much of my life is now gone never to have a record of. Someday all my words will be forgotten? Why do we communicate when it is all in vain. Who ever really hears us or read our words?

I did leave the house early afternoon to see how Caleb and Emily were doing moving into their new place. It is weird to know our oldest son Caleb and his family live down the street from us. Caleb never dreamed when he was growing up one day he would be living on the same street as his mother and father. I wish all of our children lived on the same street as us. Family is a blessing in this dead world.

I stayed down at Caleb and Emily's till Carol showed up around 2:30 PM. We took home with us Cora and Josie so Emily and Caleb could unpack moving boxes and put stuff away. Tomorrow we will have Cora and Josie while Caleb and Emily unpack more moving boxes and put their possessions. Caleb has to set up his office because he works next week (he also flies next week to Boston for work).

I am up late because I hate going to bed. Lately I have been taking before going to bed a drug called alprazolam to help me sleep. This drug knocks me right out and leaves me feeling sluggish the following day. Right now since I have been feeling wasted anyway I do not mine the effects of alprazolam the following day. There is no reason for me to feel bright and cheery anyway.

So Carol and I spent time with Cora and Josiah till Caleb and Emily came here for dinner around 5 o'clock PM. They all left after dinner. Carol and I watched television till Carol went to bed around 9 o'clock PM. She only got three hours sleep today since she worked last night. I do not need sleep. I am always feeling exhausted no matter what I do or how long I sleep.

Well I suppose I will close to admit defeat and go to bed. Sometimes I just turn off all the lights and sit in the dark till I get bored and then go to bed.
  • Current Music
    Integrity 'Howling, For The Nightmare Shall Consume'