August 31st, 2014

the flow of human sweat

It is 8:45 AM Sunday morning in the flow of human sweat. Lately at night I have been sweating pools of sweat. Maybe I am sick with something. I have a doctor's appointment this coming Tuesday. I have to get a health check for our insurance coverage. My blood should tell my doctor if anything is serious wrong with me. (I do not plan to tell my doctor about me sweating at night. I plan to say nothing to my doctor, just go through the ordeal and then come home and plan for recovery. I hate doctor's appointments!)

This morning my wife and I got up to around 5:05 AM. We were on the road by 5:45 AM for the Grand Rapids Airport. I dropped off Carol at 6:30 AM at the airport. Her plane for Boston was planned to leave at 7:30 AM. It was extremely painful to see my wife leave me. I am sick with pain right now. What amazes me is that my wife knows her leaving me causes me great pain and yet she still goes. I tell my wife all the time that I could never leave her. I love being with my wife. Carol does fine without me. Weird. I love intensely. I am a romantic. I am a fire lover!

After dropping off Carol at the airport I zoomed back to Holland. Before coming home I stopped and went grocery shopping. When I got home I cleaned the kitchen and then wrote down my pain in my paper diary.

Last night we watched college football and went to bed around 9:50 PM. I might take a nap this afternoon since I feel emotionally ruined. I am praying to the Lord to keep me from cracking up. As I get older I am more emotionally weak. I am not a strong man. I am broken. It is the Lord that keeps me from fragmenting.

Well I will close to make coffee and wait it out. I am trapped.
  • Current Music
    J Mascis "Tied To A Star"

we are never safe from the Grim Reaper

It is now in the blood flow or life flow 12:32 PM Sunday afternoon. I laid down for thirty minutes. I woke up because my left arm was numb. I came upstairs to eat lunch and write some stuff into my paper diary. I keep reminding myself it is a Sunday meaning nothing is open today. I thought of driving out to our local Barnes & Nobles and looking around. But I would only buy something that I do not need. I have a TON of stuff to read and really do not need some more books.

I have been reading this morning "On Contemplation" by Guigo De Ponte. I feel a little out of it mentally so I do not know if I can get into anything this afternoon. I have to get myself prepared for ten days of being absolutely alone in the world. I have to face the harsh reality my wife is not coming home till September the 10th. Of course maybe the Russians will attack Boston with nuclear weapons and I will not see her till the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. To me death can strike any moment. We are never safe from the Grim Reaper.

I have our house closed up and have on the central air system to keep our house cool. When I got home this morning and walked into our house it smell bad. We need to get new carpet. But we will not get new carpet till Rudy has died and gone to doggy heaven. Till then we will have to put up with the horrible smell.

Well I suppose I will close to face the man in the mirror. I see no way out.

Poser Or Prophet Wordpress Blog On Journeying with those in Exile

  • Current Music
    Jefre Cantu-Ledesma "Love Is A Stream"
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the godly spirit often flies away to the heavenly Jerusalem

It is now 12:59 PM Sunday afternoon. I came down here to the lower level to write some more stuff into my blogs. I figure since there is no one to hear my voice I can talk to myself down here. I am talking to a ghost. I wonder sometimes if we have Guardian Angels? Is my Guardian Angel protecting me from the attacks of demons? I remember these words of the apostle Peter, "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world" 1 Peter 5:8,9.

One of the last 17th century English Puritan reprints I read was titled, "The Christian Warfare Against the Devil, World and Flesh" by John Downame.

Carol just called to let me know she is now in Boston Mass.. She will take a cab to the kids place from the airport.

I wanted to quote from the treatise "On Contemplation" by Guigo De Ponte. I love quoting from the books I am reading. I read someplace years ago if you quote from a book the quote stays in your memory. I have a terrible memory. I also like quoting from books because I love words. Words are mystical.

"Chapter Thirteen: Contemplation Requires Four Wings, according to Gregory, and, according to Bernard, Contemplation Is Fourfold

The contemplative life through which the godly spirit often flies away to the heavenly Jerusalem requires the four wings that Gregory mentions in his second homily on Ezechiel: "Their faces and their wings stretched upward: two wings of each of them touched, and two [wings] covered their bodies (Ez 1:11). The wings that touched each other extend above because love and hope lift the spirit of the holy ones on high. To say they join each other is fitting, since the chosen ones certainly love the heavenly things they hope for and hope for what they love. The other two wings cover the body because fear and repentance hide their past sins from the eyes of almighty God."

To renew her longing, the godly spirit occasionally ought to call to mind the holy and happy visions the holy fathers received from God. One example is that of Saint Jacob, who said, I have seen God face to face yet my soul has been saved (Gn 32:30). Likewise Job: By the hearing of the ear I have heard you, now my eyes see you(Jb 42:5), and Isaiah: I saw the Lord sitting on a high and elevated throne. The whole earth was full of his majesty, and those who were beneath him filled the temple; the Seraphim stood above him and each had six wings (Is. 6:1-2).
Bernard says: "The first and greatest contemplation is to marvel at majesty. This requires a clean heart so that freed from vices and unburdened of sins it may easily rise to heavenly things. Sometimes, too, the one who marvels is held suspended for a short time in wonder and ecstasy. The second thing necessary for him is to look upon the judgments of God, a fearful sight that surely shakes the viewer vehemently, routs vices, undergirds virtues, initiates wisdom, and preserves humility (for humility is the good and solid foundation of virtues; should it waver, the whole house of virtues collapses). The third contemplation is busy with (actually, has leisure in) recalling blessings so that, rather than depart in ingratitude, the person blessed remains eager to love the one who blesses. Fourth, forgetting what lies behind (Phil 3:13), the contemplator can rest only by awaiting the things promised. Since he meditates on eternal things, and indeed the things promised are eternal, such meditation nourishes patience." Bernard writes these things in his [fifth] book On Consideration. Do not give up: Stubborn labor conquers all." Guigo De Ponte pg. 196,197
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

staring into emptiness

It is 6:51 PM Sunday night. I just watched some News on TV. I wanted to know what the weather is suppose to be like tomorrow. It is suppose to storm tomorrow afternoon. I hope to mow at least our front lawn before Noon time. Our front lawn is looking overgrown. I can always mow our back yard another day. We must keep up appearances of being civilized. I do not remember as a boy anyone ever mowing a lawn. Did we have lawns in the many places I lived growing up? I do not remember mowing grass till I married my wife 35 years ago.

I have not heard from my wife this evening. I thought she would call me before now. She might call me before I go to bed this evening.

I have been mainly wandering the house and reading "Flaubert: A Biography" by Frederick Brown this evening. I did a couple loads of laundry this evening. When I know I will alone for a long space of time I throw out all the leftovers in the refrigerator and do all the laundry. I also wash all dirty dishes and put everything away. I like a clear space when I am going to be alone for many days. I like staring into emptiness.

I thought of taking our dog for a walk but I could take the pain of going out into the dead American world this evening. Maybe early tomorrow morning I will take Rudy for a walk someplace.

Well I do not know what else to report since there is nothing happening mind blowing right now. I live a very tame existence. I have noticed lately I am very fragile. For example this morning as Carol and I were driving to Grand Rapids we hit a patch of fog on the freeway. I immediately felt totally freaked when we enter into the fog. I felt very sick and wanted to stop the car and park somewhere till the sun came up. I was wondering this morning if I am coming to the place where I will be scared to drive at night. I am always experiencing dread-anxiety. I think all these fears has been brought on by being an old man. When I was young I was very carefree if not reckless at times. Now I am freaked just driving a few blocks from our home. Where is my faith in a sovereign God?

I suppose I will close to brush my teeth and wait for blackness.

  • Current Music
    Ty Segall "Manipulator"